Grad School has Begun

Wow, I’m just amazing at keeping this blog. Well to be fair, I don’t write it with the purpose of people reading it so who cares if I post entries regularly haha.
Anyway, I have officially completed about a month of grad school. A year ago, I never thought that I would be in this position. It’s been quite a journey overcoming all of these challenges that I dealt with over the past year. I’m by no means 100% alright now, but I can appreciate where I was last year and where I am now.
It’s been quite a transition moving to a new city and starting at a new school. I had the advantage of already knowing several students through summer programs and other connections, but it’s still definitely overwhelming! There are definitely things I do not miss about undergrad, but things that I do. Things are going well with my teacher here, but I do miss my undergrad teacher a lot. It never really hit me until I got here. He was like a father figure to me, I was able to confide in him and ask for advice (not just on musical things). I feel like I’m missing that here. I wish I could tell my undergrad teacher about all the amazing people I’ve met and all my adventures thus far.
I guess the next challenge is settling into a routine. The master’s schedule is generally more flexible and conducive to finding individual practice time, but I still feel like I’m all over the place. One day I’ll get in a solid 6 hours. The next day I’ll only practice 2 hours. Then the next day I do 4.
Another challenge is finding a peer group. I am fortunate to go to a school with a decent sized viola studio, I luxury I never had in undergrad, but I don’t really have a group of friends that I can regularly go out for coffee with or hang out with. I just kind of have acquaintances that I see in class everyday and people that I make casual, friendly conversation with. I guess that’s better than nothing, but I do sometimes feel a bit lonely. I know a lot of people, but I don’t have a ton of close friends. I guess it’s still early in the year and there’s still plenty of time to meet people and get to know people. I guess it’s somewhat more difficult as a master’s student to make friends because master’s students tend to be more reclusive than undergrads to begin with. I remember in undergrad I didn’t have much interaction with the master’s students until 3rd or 4th year, and even then it was limited.
Anyway, I won’t bore you too much now. I’m sure there will be more things to talk about as the year goes on. I’m a bit tired now and don’t feel like being super ranty. This was more of an update in the off chance there are people who read this blog that might be curious what I’m up to.

Is It Too Late for Me?

I’ve invested a great deal of time and effort into my viola playing, especially in the past four years. All of these endless hours and late nights in the practice rooms, giving up summers to attend programs/festivals, giving up a social life to practice, all the emotional breakdowns, may have been for nothing.
When I was in middle/high school, I was never the best string player. I was always the one who sat around on the sidelines watching the same three people win all the prizes wondering when it would be my turn. It never really was. Despite being unsuccessful, I had a lot of genuine passion for music. I worked really hard and wanted so badly to go into music, even if there were people who thought I wasn’t good enough. I told myself that all that matters is having a strong, consistent work ethic.
Now that I have an undergrad, I worry that maybe that was just something that high school teachers tell you so you feel better about yourself. I legitimately thought things would be different in undergrad, but I feel like I’m really no better than I was in high school. I was still the one who sat around on the sidelines watching the same three people win all the prizes wondering when it would be my turn. I look back and realize how naive I was. Why did I think that everything would magically get better in undergrad?
It’s weird too, because I know for a fact I worked really hard in undergrad and came a long way musically and technically. I listen to recordings from high school and I can’t believe it’s the same person. Why am I still unsuccessful? Because the people that were really good also got better so there’s just no hope for me. As soon as I’m as good as them, they’re way better.
A good example is this other violist that I know. She’s starting her undergrad. She’s played the Brahms F minor and Clarke sonatas. If you know anything about viola rep, that’s amazing to be able to play pieces like that at a young age. When I was in high school, my teacher told me that I wasn’t ready to be playing pieces like the Clarke or Brahms sonatas. Even in first and second year undergrad! I finally was able to play Brahms E-flat in third year, Clarke in fourth year, and only now am I learning Brahms F minor for my master’s.
As you can see, she is much better equipped going into undergrad than I was. The level she plays at is exactly where I wish I was going into undergrad. I wasted four years of my life getting there. Now that I’m finally ready to do my undergrad, here I am starting my master’s. She has six years (assuming she’s doing master’s) of school. She’s going to be unstoppable when she graduates. I only have 2 years left. Even if I never talk to another human being ever again and practice 12 hours a day, I will never be good enough.
They always say sometimes people have success later in life, and maybe my big break is yet to come in 10 years or something. I don’t know what to believe. It’s just so hard to see all these people 2, 4, 6, 10 years younger than me that are so much better than I was. I honestly think it’s too late for me. It sucks because I’ve invested so much time and effort into this that it would be depressing to give it all up, but at the same time I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever be good enough. I can’t wait until I’m 35 to get an orchestral job, but expecting to get an orchestral job right out of my master’s is unrealistic too.

I’m Still Alive

Hello there to the random people from google searches who read this blog! I still exist.

I’ve been somewhat busy lately. I went to a music program in May and after that I went to my new school/teacher to get some lessons and check out places to live, etc.

That was pretty much my big thing for the summer and now I don’t really have much going on. Part of me kind of wishes I had signed up for more programs, but at the same time, I really think this “free time” will be good for me. Part of the reason why my school year last year was so difficult is because I overloaded myself last summer. Now, I feel like I’ve under-loaded myself and I feel somewhat lost for what to do this summer. I know this is the right decision, but it’s almost too much.

So yeah, anyway, I have an undergraduate degree now. Crazy how time flies, it really honestly doesn’t feel like it was that long ago when I graduated high school! It’s actually quite insane. I’ve come such a long way musically and emotionally in just four years, and I have a long way to go yet. It’s always depressing that the better you get, the worse you get too. What I mean by that is as you get better, you realize how much more work there is to be done.

I think of my naive self in first year. It was the first time I had ever felt good about myself musically. Nobody made me self-conscious. I was confident, but not cocky. I knew I had to work hard, but I didn’t care what other people were doing. Come second year and all that disappeared. It was back to all these feelings of inadequacy and doubt that I thought I left behind in high school. It took me a long time to realize that those feelings are normal and that they don’t just magically “disappear”.

Now that I have my degree, it’s almost like I feel more inadequate than ever. Now I finally feel like I’m at where I would have liked to have been four years ago. I wish that I could play at the level I do now at the start of my undergrad. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has ever felt like this. Because of this, I did consider doing a gap year or a one year diploma program to “improve my technique”. My teacher advised me against this and said not to have a negative association with it, but a positive one. For example, instead of thinking of taking extra years of school because you suck and need to get better, think of it as an opportunity to get some more training and learn more repertoire. I decided to go ahead with Master’s because I knew I wanted to do it anyway, why prolong it? I can still take something like an Artist’s diploma afterward if I still feel like it.

I don’t know what else to really say right now. I look forward to starting my Master’s in September and I’ll definitely rant about it here if I need to! If there’s one thing I learned in my undergrad, it’s that moving away won’t magically solve your problems.

The Pain of Rejection

If you’ve been following this blog, even if it’s only been for a couple entries, you would know that I did grad school auditions. I’m not sure if I mentioned that I’ve already made a decision on where to go. I am very satisfied with my decision and I knew from the beginning that I was probably going to go to that school anyway, but it was useful to look at the other schools and seriously consider them.

It was basically a toss up between two schools, let’s call them School A and School B. I also applied to School C because why not right. I didn’t seriously want to go there but I wanted to check out the school anyway. It was probably the most prestigious out of the three schools, but it wasn’t the right type of school for me. I would never choose a school just for its prestige, my own education and what I get out of it is way more important than me being able to go around and be like “Oh look at me, I went to ______ school, I’m better than everyone else”.

My auditions at School A and School B went very well. I had lessons with the teachers there and I got good vibes from all of them. I guess the teachers could tell that I wanted to go to those schools as well. All the teachers at Schools A and B that I had lessons with really made me feel welcome there and that I wished that I could study with all of them. I felt that when I played those auditions that it was a much better representation of my playing and what I’m capable of. The fact that I wanted to go to those schools and study with those teachers probably also came through in my playing.

By the time I got to School C, I was quite tired from my auditions and School A and B that I just wanted to be done with auditions already. I met up with the teacher at School C for a lesson and in the moment I didn’t really think about it, but looking back at it now, I should have picked up on the weird vibes a little bit better. School C, as I mentioned, was the most prestigious school of the 3 that I applied to and frankly, I think the students and teachers there can be a bit snobby about it. I emailed the teacher to set up a lesson and he suggested a time. I said that was the day I was flying in so it wasn’t ideal but it would be fine. I arrived in the city and even paid for a cab from the airport (when I could have taken the shuttle bus to save money) to make sure that I would get there in good time for my lesson. The teacher emailed me about half an hour before we were supposed to have the lesson to say that something came up and he had to cancel and could teach me some time the next day. I get that sh*t happens sometimes and professional musicians are busy, but what a terrible first impression to make on a prospective student.

I emailed back and said that I was fine to have the lesson the next day in the afternoon. He also left a phone number in his email so I phoned him as well. No answer, so I left a message. The rest of that evening, I received no correspondence from him whatsoever. It wasn’t until 10:00 the next morning that he finally emailed back and asked to do 2:00pm that afternoon. Once again, I get he’s very busy and I respect his time, but that’s just a tad unprofessional. It was very nice of him to offer this lesson, but I can’t be expected to just schedule my whole life around it.

I go to his studio to wait for the lesson. There’s another prospective student in there getting a lesson as well. Her mom was actually waiting outside the studio and I was chatting to the mom a bit. She was applying for undergrad. It was about 1:50 or so when I got there, so we thought they were just finishing up and I’d be there soon. But the lesson  went on and on. I could hear a bit outside the door and from what I heard, it sounded like the teacher really liked her. As she was leaving, he said something like “You have my email, keep in touch” and all that fun stuff.

Contrast that to me now. I get into his studio about half an hour after my lesson was supposed to start. I play through my Bach and I could tell he was a little bit unsure of what he wanted to say. Either he was appalled at how terrible it was or there were just too many things that he didn’t know where to begin. He started by complimenting my intonation, which was a first for me. He began by talking about posture and how to hold the viola and stuff like that. It was actually really interesting and I won’t go into detail about that right now, but I tried playing again after and already I noticed a huge difference and it was so much easier to play. Right as I felt the lesson was getting started, he said “Okay, that’s all we have time for today” and just kind of awkwardly kicked me out. I saw how he treated the girl before me. It was clear that he did not like me and did not want me in his studio but he really liked that other girl. The audition was a couple days later and ultimately, I just don’t think I played very well at the audition. It wasn’t terrible, but I don’t think it was a good representation of what I was capable of. In hindsight, I think it was just the awkward vibes I got from that lesson.

The first school I heard back from was School A (which is where I’m going). They actually emailed me a couple hours before my audition at School C. I was super ecstatic as it was my first choice school. Of course, I wanted to wait to hear back from the other schools before making an official decision. I waited and waited. Nothing. Finally, I got a letter from School B about two weeks after my acceptance to School A and I was accepted there as well. The scholarship wasn’t nearly as good though. At this point, I was set on School A as I really loved the program, the teacher, and the scholarship offer was really good. But of course, I had to wait for School C.

Here’s where it gets interesting. I saw another violist friend that I met at a summer program post on Facebook that he got into School C not too long after I got into School B. I logged on to my account at School C to check to see if there was anything for me. Nothing. I had a bit of a gut feeling that I didn’t get into School C based on this, but I didn’t want to assume anything. I decided to wait a bit longer. In the mean time, the teacher at School A phoned me and wanted to check in. He was super excited about me going to School A and really hoped that I went there. The phone call was the deciding factor for me. It was amazing that he took the time to reach out to me like that and none of the other teachers had done anything like that. I decided to stop waiting for School C and just accepted my offer to School A.

About a week ago, I finally heard back from School C and it was not in a good way. I got the official rejection letter. I took the news a lot more harshly than I thought I would. I already had a feeling that I didn’t get in and I didn’t really want to go there anyway, but those harsh words still got to me. Frankly, I should have seen it coming. As I explained, it was clear the teacher didn’t really like me and I didn’t play that well at the audition. It’s not that I’m not good enough, it’s just that it wasn’t the right type of school for me. I don’t want to think of it as a reflection on myself as a player. Even if I had been accepted there, I think the environment at School A is much better for me and I would learn better there. Although School C is much more internationally known as a prestigious school, if it’s not the right type of school for me then there’s no reason to go there. Clearly, there are two other schools that wanted me there so I’m not a total loser. I guess I wanted the option of saying no.

Post-Audition Practicing

I thought this would be something interesting to talk about on here. If you’ve read any of my recent posts on this blog, you will know that I recently did some grad school auditions. I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but I completed my fourth year recital before I left for auditions as well! I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but for the low amount of stress and anxiety that I’ve experienced in the past month, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I read back on  some of my posts from September-January and I couldn’t believe how much anxiety and stress I was under! It’s definitely interesting for me to look back on that and appreciate where I am now even more.

You’re probably thinking, “If I were you, I’d just put my instrument away and never practice ever again”. Well, it’s not that simple. I still have orchestra and chamber music obligations. I can’t just waltz into rehearsal and be like “Sorry guys, I haven’t practiced in a week”. When I go to the practice rooms, I feel like there’s this silent judgement. Why I am I less entitled to practice just because I’m done all of my auditions and my recital? I have to keep playing or else I will lose all that muscle memory. I took a week break one time and I swear it took almost a month to get back to the level I was at before.

This has been a great opportunity to work on repertoire that I either didn’t get a chance to play in my fourth year recital or just pieces I’ve always wanted to learn. I am also using this opportunity to work on orchestral excerpts, which is not something I always get a chance to do unless I am preparing for an audition. I was concerned that my practicing wouldn’t be very focused because I wasn’t preparing for anything and there’s no pressure, but actually I’ve been getting a lot done. I guess I’m practicing because it’s genuinely what I love doing. I can really take the time to focus on refining my technique too. I feel like my practicing is almost more efficient than it was before, ironically enough. I guess under the pressure of my recital and auditions, I felt rushed to get through everything and I didn’t always take the time to stop and smell the roses. Perhaps this can be something I can apply to my practice in future years. Although I am taking things at a much slower pace and practicing in smaller chunks, I’m still getting a lot done.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not practicing 4+ hours a day. I’m also using this opportunity to get away from my instrument as well, which I think is super important. I’m finally using that hot yoga pass I bought back in September. Ironically, it would have benefited me more when I was going through more stress, but better late than never. I’ve gone once a week the past month and already I feel a lot stronger and my flexibility has improved. I’ve also made an effort to walk places that are within 3 kilometres of where I am. Round trip, that’s about 6km of walking most days. When school ends, I hope to explore some more non-music hobbies over the summer. I’d really like to get back into reading books for one thing. I used to love reading, but I’ve just never had the patience to read an entire book in the past few years.

That’s basically all I’ve been up to as of late. Currently, I’m typing out this entry as a means to procrastinate for a paper due in a history class. It’s my last paper of my undergrad, it only gets harder from here…

Post-Audition Life

Hello everyone! I haven’t forgotten this exists, I’ve just been busy as you can imagine. I actually finished my last audition 2 weeks ago now and I was going to write here sooner but just never got around to it.
A lot has changed since I last wrote here. My entries this [academic] year have been mostly rants about how unfair the world is and how much I hate life. I can proudly say that for the first time in almost a year I don’t feel that way anymore. It’s almost silly how good I’ve felt these past two weeks.
To keep my anonymity in this blog, I won’t mention the schools or cities that I auditioned in, but I will say that even as soon as I arrived for the first audition, I immediately felt 1000 times better. Four months before that point I considered cancelling it all and not even continuing in music. It was a huge step for me to go out into the world (well, still in Canada) and go visit these schools and play these auditions. I had some lessons with prospective teachers. They all had nice things to say about me. It’s one of the first times I’ve had lessons with new teachers and they didn’t harp on intonation, and actually, in some cases complimented it! This is a huge step for me as it’s something I’ve been self-conscious of for over a decade. I do need to work on my right hand technique a lot and all of the teachers did point that out and showed how they would work on it with me. I didn’t feel like it was condescending, which is usually what happens.
It was also amazing to meet up with friends along the way who helped me get lessons with all the teachers and showed me around their schools. There was one of the schools in particular that I felt the most like I belonged there. I had the most friends who went there and as soon as I walked into the building, I felt like I went to that school. Needless to say, it is my first choice. I am still weighing the pros and cons of the schools and have some time to make a decision though. I am also pleased to say that I’ve been accepted into that first choice school as well! I haven’t heard back from the others yet, but maybe it’s a sign that I should go there. Who knows. I’m just honoured to have been accepted into a Master’s program. A few months ago, I thought I’d never get accepted into a Master’s program and that this was the end of my music career.
In these past few weeks, I’ve been enjoying not practicing as often. I took an entire week off of practicing and it was actually amazing. I went for walks, went to hot yoga, and tried to explore some non-music hobbies. I’m also working on learning French in Duolingo as master’s programs usually require a second language. If I start now, I’ll definitely be able to pass any proficiency test in September.
I feel like this blog really doesn’t serve much of a purpose now that things are going well in my life. I don’t really have anything to rant about at this moment. Of course, that will change when grad school begins haha. I’ll be sure to talk about my grad school experience on here when that begins. I’ll have a whole new group of people to passive-aggressively rant about on here.

Coming to Terms with Myself

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a breakthrough, for real this time. Fourth year has treated me rough with numerous breakdowns and questioning of my intentions in music. I seriously thought I was not good enough and inadequate compared to my peers.
I am not inadequate. I am doing just fine. I think the major issue for my confidence issues is merely the fact that I’ve only lived in smaller cities with very few viola players. This forces me to compare myself to violinists, pianists, and other more “competitive” instruments where winning and entering competitions is a big part of what they do. That’s not necessarily a viola thing. Don’t get me wrong, there are some viola only competitions out there, but compared to the competitions made for violinists, pianists, singers, and other instruments, it’s relatively insignificant. And even those competitions that all instruments and voices can enter, the violinists, pianists, flutists, sopranos, and even cellists dominate.
Naturally, when I’ve lived in two cities where violinists, cellists, and pianists rule the world, I will feel somewhat inadequate. Of course I’m going to feel like a bad player when I’m always the one that doesn’t win the competitions when literally everyone else and their dog has. I always felt like I was doing something wrong or something was wrong with me. I didn’t want to think that my instrument choice was “bad” or “wrong” in any way.
Well, in these past few weeks, I’ve come to a realization. These people don’t play the same instrument as me. I know that sounds like a silly thing to say, but it’s so important to remember. I want an orchestral job. No violinist, pianist, or cellist is going to take that away from me; only other violists. Violin and piano careers revolve more around solo playing. Viola careers seldom involve any solo playing. There is no pressure to win or even enter competitions with violinists and pianists, so why was I putting so much unnecessary pressure on myself?
A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was trying to prove something. We all know that’s just the worst mindset to have and I learned my lesson on several occasions. Violists, as I experienced myself, usually get the short end of the stick in life. Yeah, viola jokes are just jokes, but it’s almost like there is an actual prejudice against violists. Sometimes people just legitimately think that violists are inferior to violinists. We have it harder in that sense than other “underdog” instruments like bassoon, bass, or tuba. Since the viola is so similar to the violin and most violists were once violinists, we are just constantly compared to violinists and it’s honestly really unfair and inaccurate. Violists don’t generally win competitions because our repertoire is limited and does not show off the technical brilliance of the instrument in the same way that the violin repertoire does. It’s not that we’re bad players, it’s that for so many years violists were disregarded as the “inferior musicians” and unfortunately, not a lot of good solo repertoire was written. In the modern day, we recognize the talent of violists more, but most of the great works for viola have been only been written in the past 100 years. Twentieth century works, although great pieces, are not always appreciated at competitions as much as romantic repertoire, which the viola lacks.
With this in mind, I felt like since I first picked up a viola, it was my mission to prove to everyone that I was just as good as any violinist, cellist, or pianist out there. I wasn’t going to be one of those “typical” subservient violists who doesn’t try. I was going to get some results. Of course, I set myself up for disappointment. I took not winning competitions a lot more harshly than I should have. I thought I would never get into university because I didn’t win any of these competitions and that the jerks who won the competitions instead of me that weren’t even going away to university would take it away from me. I couldn’t help but feel like I was “behind” for my age. Regardless of that, I pushed myself to do university auditions. I was more insistent on getting the heck out of there than worrying if I was good enough. When I started in university, it was like a second chance. I wasn’t competitive at all in first year, it was actually the first time in my life that I was okay with who I was and where I was at musically. I accepted myself.
This all changed with violin kid. I have actually now come to terms with him and we are actually on friendly terms. I wouldn’t call him a friend necessarily, but we can carry on a friendly conversation like normal human beings. I have gotten to the point where I don’t really care about what he does with his life as it really has no impact on me and my career goals. He wants to be a soloist or a concertmaster. It makes sense for him to put himself out there and win competitions as it will impact his career. For me, I’m an orchestral player, so putting myself out there for orchestral opportunities is what I need. Back then, I saw him as a threat. I reverted back to my high school mentality. It seemed like the whole school was in love with him and I needed to show him who’s boss. It almost felt like the people who supported me in first year had “converted” to supporting him. I became obsessed with the idea of beating him in a competition to prove to everyone that violists are just as good as violinists and that I was a good player too.
As you can imagine, that is just a complete waste of time. It didn’t work in high school, why would it work in university? That mentality never works and I’m glad I learned that lesson now in university and not while I’m trying to get a job or something. I’ve actually “retired” from competitions in a sense. There was a scholarship competition in January that I made a conscious decision not to enter. I feel so much better about myself for not entering competitions. I know that getting an orchestral job is a competition, but I’ve been disappointed enough times in competitions, I think I’m familiar with it enough that I’ll be fine in the real world. Plus, I don’t have to worry about violinists, pianists, and cellists.
I think going away to do my master’s will be the right thing. I know I’ve talked a lot on here about my anxieties with going away and worrying about not being good enough, but I think it will be the fresh start I need. Sure, I may meet more violinists that drive me insane and I may not necessarily be “running away” from problems, but at least I will have more violas at my side. I think being in a school where there are more violists will actually help a lot of the issues I’ve had my whole life. Because there will be more violists, I won’t feel like I have to compare myself to violinists and pianists anymore. Sure, there may be violists that are better than me and winning competitions, but at least I’m not unrealistically comparing myself to people who don’t play the same instrument I do.
Here I am, a fourth year student, about to go off to grad school auditions in a couple days. I feel like I’ve come full circle now. In first year, I didn’t feel like I had anything to prove and I was okay with where I was at musically. I had some ups and downs in second, third, and the first half of fourth year. But here I am, once again, not feeling like I have anything to prove and okay with where I’m at musically. I feel like I’m finally ready to take on grad school auditions.