Grad School has Begun

Wow, I’m just amazing at keeping this blog. Well to be fair, I don’t write it with the purpose of people reading it so who cares if I post entries regularly haha.
Anyway, I have officially completed about a month of grad school. A year ago, I never thought that I would be in this position. It’s been quite a journey overcoming all of these challenges that I dealt with over the past year. I’m by no means 100% alright now, but I can appreciate where I was last year and where I am now.
It’s been quite a transition moving to a new city and starting at a new school. I had the advantage of already knowing several students through summer programs and other connections, but it’s still definitely overwhelming! There are definitely things I do not miss about undergrad, but things that I do. Things are going well with my teacher here, but I do miss my undergrad teacher a lot. It never really hit me until I got here. He was like a father figure to me, I was able to confide in him and ask for advice (not just on musical things). I feel like I’m missing that here. I wish I could tell my undergrad teacher about all the amazing people I’ve met and all my adventures thus far.
I guess the next challenge is settling into a routine. The master’s schedule is generally more flexible and conducive to finding individual practice time, but I still feel like I’m all over the place. One day I’ll get in a solid 6 hours. The next day I’ll only practice 2 hours. Then the next day I do 4.
Another challenge is finding a peer group. I am fortunate to go to a school with a decent sized viola studio, I luxury I never had in undergrad, but I don’t really have a group of friends that I can regularly go out for coffee with or hang out with. I just kind of have acquaintances that I see in class everyday and people that I make casual, friendly conversation with. I guess that’s better than nothing, but I do sometimes feel a bit lonely. I know a lot of people, but I don’t have a ton of close friends. I guess it’s still early in the year and there’s still plenty of time to meet people and get to know people. I guess it’s somewhat more difficult as a master’s student to make friends because master’s students tend to be more reclusive than undergrads to begin with. I remember in undergrad I didn’t have much interaction with the master’s students until 3rd or 4th year, and even then it was limited.
Anyway, I won’t bore you too much now. I’m sure there will be more things to talk about as the year goes on. I’m a bit tired now and don’t feel like being super ranty. This was more of an update in the off chance there are people who read this blog that might be curious what I’m up to.

Drifting Away from Friends

 

Before I begin, just a quick update. I am officially done my undergrad now! Woohoo!  I got all my official marks back and everything. I will, at some point, do a more detailed post reflecting on that experience. For today, I wanted to do another off-topic rant post. I apologize if this gets to be on the lengthy side, there are a lot of background information and details, but I will try to summarize as best I can.

Basically, fourth year was somewhat challenging for me. If you don’t believe me, read anything posted from September-December 2015. One thing that added to the struggles were some falling outs with various friends. I guess you could say if this was ever going to happen, my last year was the best year for it, but it was still difficult.

First off, I had a circle of friends outside the music faculty that I’d met from living in residence over the years. As important as it is to be making connections with other musicians, it’s nice to be able to get away from them too. I always made an effort to hang out with them with my weird schedule, but it usually worked out. This year was tough though. At the beginning of the year, it seemed like everyone in the group started dating and most of these developed into relationships as the year went on. I wasn’t seeing anyone as I was way too stressed out to take care of myself, let alone be there for another person. As the year progressed, it seemed as if they all started to have their own lives/schedules with their boyfriends and girlfriends. I’m not saying that I’m mad at them for it, it’s just unfortunate that I was the odd one out. To be fair, I kind of had my own life too with my grad school auditions. In second term we hung out maybe once or twice. Whenever I had some free time I would shoot a message to the group, and I’d always get a response like “Oh not tonight, I’m busy”. Once you get too many messages like that, you just stop asking. I was hoping to hang out with them one more time before I left and so I asked when they were done their finals. They said they would get back to me then. I messaged one of them individually to see what was up and she said “Oh sorry, I’m at my boyfriend’s house for the weekend”. I understand relationships are important and take commitment, but a friendship is also a relationship that requires a certain amount of commitment too. You can’t always be blowing off your friends for your boyfriend or girlfriend, especially in this case as she promised that we could get together before I left. To be fair, we hadn’t set a specific date yet, but still. We could have hung out before she left for her boyfriend’s if she knew she was going.

Okay, that one was easy to summarize. The next friend and my issues with her could seriously be a novel (or two, or three). I’ll type as much as I can here before it gets ridiculous and if it still bothers me, I’ll write more about her in a future entry. This is also why I can’t ever share this blog with anyone who goes to my school (well, former school now) as things could get so awkward.

Basically, I met her at the beginning of last school year (September 2014) and she was a super nice person and we became instant best friends. She was very kind, genuine, and did really nice things for me. She said she was interested to visit me in my home town in May (of 2015) and I asked my parents if she could stay with us and they said sure. Things went pretty well until then, I didn’t really have any major issues, until she came to my house.

She’s one of those people that I should have seen the red flags sooner, but I guess I dismissed them. Sometimes you can be blind to things your friend says/does. Even before she got to my house, it was kind of sketchy. She was planning to visit another friend who lives in a nearby town as well. To tell this story a bit easier, let’s give them fake names. My friend is Jane and her friend is Alice. My friend originally told me that Alice’s mom would drop her off at my place on Sunday for whatever day it was. These were plans we made in April. A couple days before, she texted me and said “Oh, I’m going on a day trip to [insert town here] with Alice’s family so I won’t be able to get a ride to you until Tuesday”. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but I was still kind of upset with the miscommunication and I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick here. Alice was getting a nice long visit and I was being cheated by 2 days.

Tuesday comes and I go to pick Jane up and we start hanging out. The first day was great, we had a lot of fun. No complaints. The second day is where I started to get a bit pissed off. We were putting on a recital at a local church. She had played piano for me in my third year recital, so we thought it would be fun to repeat the program in my hometown and then she could do some solo piano stuff to make it a full length recital. I had taken care of posters and putting them up everywhere, but I hadn’t yet done the program. I wanted her help with it. We’re in my room and I open up my laptop to Publisher (It’s always an idiot proof way of making stuff in terms of formatting). She insists on making it on Microsoft Word and grabs the laptop from me. She had a very opinionated way of doing programs I guess. Every time I made a suggestion, she would dismiss it and make it sound like she knew everything. For example, I like putting birth and death years of composers, but she doesn’t. Then she put bios on the back. I had a bio written that was obviously way too long to put on the back of a program, but I was prepared to cut some stuff out. Let’s just say she beat me to it. She was all like “Sometimes you don’t get to include everything you want to include”. Duh, I wasn’t born yesterday. Long story short, I didn’t like how cocky she was being.

Fast forward to the recital.  There is more to it, but one point I wanted to make is how hung up she was on the fact that I had a recital for free admission the previous year, before I even met her. We did this recital as admission by donation, but she actually wanted to charge people (like $5 for students/seniors, $10 for adults or something). I did that recital for free as it was my very first public recital. I was doing it as preparation for being a performance major. I didn’t want people to be like “Oh, you think you’re good enough to charge money now”. She decided the best time to “lecture” me about this was at intermission at our recital. It’s like, yeah, maybe I should have charged admission but it’s none of your business!

Another thing that bothered me is how she just felt that she was entitled to go wherever she wanted and have me drive her there. I’ll admit to being a bit of a homebody when I go home, I don’t really go out anywhere. I like the feeling of not having to be anywhere after a long school year of running around everywhere. Let me also point out that I don’t own a car so I used my parent’s car to drive places. She doesn’t drive so I don’t think she understands basic vehicle etiquette, especially given that I was using someone else’s car and there were times where my parents wanted to go somewhere but couldn’t because they didn’t know if we’d be back, etc. There was one point where she needed to meet up with Alice to drop off some music or something and say bye for the summer. We met at a coffee shop, it was very brief but I was a bit annoyed. Alice does live out of town, but when Jane was visiting them, they did come up to the city many times and I was around. All it took was a phone call or a text and I could have met them for coffee/lunch somewhere. I get she was visiting Alice, but since she can use her time visiting me to visit Alice, why couldn’t she have visited me? She had about 2 weeks at Alice’s place and 5 days at mine. I call double standards. Maybe you’re thinking she’s closer to Alice than me, but that’s not that case (this is getting rather long so maybe I’ll have to include that in a different entry).

Here’s the thing that took the cake, and I’ll end this entry off on this. On our last day together before she left, we planned to do a little roadtrip to a nearby town just for fun. On our way out, my parents confronted us about use of the car. This was the turning point for me as I actually sided with my parents. I think it was quite unfair how we just went places and drove all over the city. She seems to have this idea that if you have a car (or a friend with a car) you can just go wherever you want. I think my parents just honestly wanted to get to know her better and do more things with her, which is not unreasonable I guess. They wondered if they could come along with us and I said it would be fine. When we were alone Jane just went ballistic. She was all like “I can’t believe you let your parents come on our road trip. I can’t believe it! It’s going to be really awkward then. We’ll just be sitting in the back seat and making awkward small talk with your parents. It’ll be awkward silence We can’t listen to music and sing along. This has never happened when I was staying with friend’s parents before. It’s all because you’re an only child. Your parents are jealous that you have friends and do things and so they want to join in on everything you do. You need to tell them not to come!”

Who. The. F***. Says. That. Like, I do understand where she’s coming from, but you don’t have to lecture me like that. It’s not my fault. I mean, a simple “Hey, I was kind of hoping that the road trip could be just for the two of us, is that okay with your parents?” would have been fine. I don’t need a psychological analysis of my life. Also it bothered me that she could have the nerve to say that while staying at my parent’s house. Excuse me but my parents let you stay there for free and provided a room and food for you. The fact that they let me have a guest was very generous of them as well, especially given that I do not pay rent to live there. You do not get to go into my house and insult my family and be blatantly disrespectful to my parents. Thanks to her, I may never get to have the privilege of hosting another friend at my parent’s house ever again as it was such a negative experience. I probably took most of it, but I get the feeling there were aspects of it that my parents weren’t too pleased about either.

I promise I’ll end it off soon. Basically, the falling out aspect of it is when I got back to school in September. Over the summer, we were both really busy and didn’t really keep in touch that much. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I guess I thought maybe she’d apologize to me in September. I like to see the good in people. I thought wrong. She still brings it up from time to time like “Wasn’t it weird when your parents wanted to come on the road trip”. She really doesn’t realize how much she hurt my feelings and I’ve never really forgiven her for it. It sucks because all school year, I basically held this grudge against her and every little thing she did just bothered me. It was hard this year, I felt like I was being so phony around her and in a way, pretending to be her friend. That’s not like me at all. Normally I never let grudges get to this point. If I have an issue with something a friend said, I tell them in a non-confrontational way or if I sense that I said something that rubbed them the wrong way, I’ll apologize before things get awkward. Not with her. She has such a outgoing, opinionated, and loud personality that I feel intimidated a little bit. There are times where I’ve tried to call her out on something small and she’ll get very defensive and go into her “lecture mode”. I don’t know how I would have brought up bigger issues like the ones mentioned above (and others that I might tell on a later date). Sometimes getting these grudges out in the open can strengthen the friendship, other times it’s the end. I wasn’t necessarily scared about her reaction, I guess I just didn’t want to make a big deal because I was moving away anyway.

Why don’t people like me?

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. In my last post I speculated the reason that my views have gone down (from what low number they were) in the past few months and that people who I thought were friends are supporting me less. This post contains more ranting and is definitely not conducive to attracting more readers, but as I’ve mentioned before, that is not the goal.

Sometimes I wonder what is it about me that people don’t like. I’ve noticed this pattern pretty much my whole life. I’ll start at a new school or meet some new friends and life is great, but a few years go by and I feel like no one cares about me anymore. Since the common denominator here is me, I can’t necessarily blame other people anymore. I apologize if I have made an identical post on here describing my high school experience, but it is relevant back story now.

I know what happened in high school. That wasn’t fully my fault, but maybe there were things I could have done. I had a good friend that I met in grade 8. I didn’t really click with the people in my class, so whenever a new person moved in, it was my chance to make a new friend. I clicked with the new girl in grade 8 and we were instant besties. We did everything together and she was the first friend I ever had that I felt like I could be myself around and confide in.

When high school started, of course I wanted to make new friends but I didn’t want to lose this friend. Yeah, you could say I was “clingy”. Most new friends in high school were friends that I met through her, so they weren’t really my friends, but her friends that I happened to hang out with. If I hung out with my friend, her friends came with the package deal.

It wasn’t a big deal at first. We had lots of fun group outings and hang outs in grade 9. It was nice because I never really had a group of friends when I was in middle/elementary. I had people that I would hang out with at recess, but we would seldom hang out outside of school with the exception of birthday parties. I was always the pity invite to people’s birthday parties.

Grade 10 is where some tension with that group began. I became significantly more busy in grade 10 with the IB program and of course, my music. I wasn’t completely serious about music yet, but it was definitely something I was leaning toward. I was involved with several music groups around the school, took private viola lessons, and played in orchestras and chamber groups outside school. The friends in this group were not necessarily involved with music, but if they were, they just sang in choir or played in band. Nothing wrong with that of course, but it doesn’t take that much work to be casually involved in band or choir (especially choir). It’s basically two rehearsals a week and the amount of practicing you need to do is fairly minimal. Not saying that it isn’t a valuable experience, but being in band and choir alone does not equate to the amount of effort I put into my music as I wanted to pursue a performance degree. Very few people at my school understood that.

I was still able to catch the odd hang out with them, but it was always on days that were inconvenient or awkward for me. They could tell I didn’t want to be there or was too tired to be there, but they were never able to hang out at convenient times for me because they had something that day. They would get mad if I said no and had no real conflict. For example, if I had a string of concerts and incessant rehearsals for a week, they would expect me to be available to hang out with them on the first day I was free. I would be too physically exhausted to hang out and just want a day to myself so I could watch TV and chill. No, not Netflix and chill, they didn’t have Netflix then. They would occasionally ask me to hang out with an hour’s notice which just wasn’t feasible when I was that age. I lived at home with strict parents and every night (especially school nights), I was drowning in homework and with that, it was a miracle if I had time to practice sometimes. If there was ever a concert or somewhere I had to be on a school night, it would cause anxiety for me because my biggest worry was that I wouldn’t get my homework done. Of course, they didn’t do nearly as much as me, so they could get all their homework done by supper time. To summarize in one sentence, they didn’t understand or appreciate what I did and how much time and effort I put into it.

My one friend from the group moved away at the end of grade 10. The group basically disintegrated. Everyone from the group found new friends in grade 11 and I kind of got left in the dust. I tried to hang out with this other friend from the group, but I couldn’t stand her friends. They showed no interest in wanting to get to know me and went out of their way to exclude me. They would make plans for the weekend and talk really loudly so that I knew that I wasn’t invited. Most of the time I didn’t care anyway, but sometimes it was on days that I could have come. I went on a Europe trip in grade 11 and it was the worst until I finally had the courage to get away from these losers and talk to some new people. I think the only reason I hung out with them is because you always choose the devil you know vs. the devil you don’t know. At least I knew I would be bossed around and ignored by these girls, but I didn’t know if it would be any better with talking to new people. Would like me or let me hang out with them? The last straw was when these girls left me behind in Venice. The whole day, they walked around, not waiting for me. They took selfies, completely oblivious that I was there. The least they could do was offer to take a picture of me or ask me to take a picture. One of the girls dropped her wallet and I happened to see it. I thought of just not telling her, but because I’m such a nice person, I picked it up for her and she didn’t even say thank you. I bet if one of the other girls picked it up, she would have hugged her and said like, “OMG thank you so much!”

The last straw was this one day in math class. I had math class in grade 11 first thing after lunch. Sometimes I get there a bit early and just sit and wait until class starts. These girls were in my class and although lots of people were talking and it was kind of loud, they were talking about me and I was sitting right in front of them! I hard fragments of the conversation like “Yeah, in Europe she just wouldn’t stop following us and finally she left us. And now she’s mad that I didn’t invite her to my end of school party.” A$$hole. First of all, what did I ever say to her that made her not want to hang out with me again? I have always treated people with nothing but respect. When people were blatantly rude to me in high school, I was genuinely baffled as I could not (and still cannot) think of any reason why they would not want to hang out with me anymore. Yes, I was busy with my music stuff and couldn’t always hang out and have to cancel hangouts sometimes because of that random rehearsal that I forgot, but besides that I never did anything that I knew would hurt anyone’s feelings. Second of all, she left me, not the other way around. And lastly, if she’s going to treat me with such blatant disrespect and talk $hit about me while I’m sitting right there, I don’t want to go to her stupid party anyway. I’d rather have no friends than “friends” who openly hate me. It was that day that I finally accepted that I would no longer have any friends and I didn’t need these toxic people in my life. I think I skipped math class the next day and just went home after lunch and cried the whole afternoon.

Grade 12 was by far the worst year ever. I just did what I could to get through and it was difficult. I got my schedule arranged so I would have a spare right before lunch the whole year. That way, I could go home for lunch on most days and minimize my interactions and visibility among people. I had no friends, but because that’s high school, I couldn’t let people see that. It worked out most of the time because I drove to school most days so I could make that work. There were those days where it didn’t work because I don’t have my own car and my mom would sometimes need the car all day. That caused a lot of anxiety for me back then because it meant that I had to find somewhere in the school building to eat lunch where people couldn’t see that I was eating alone. I didn’t want to be like mean girls and eat in the bathroom. Sitting with those girls again wasn’t an option either. If I didn’t drive, I couldn’t go sit in the back seat of my mom’s car and eat there either. I usually ended up sitting in front of my locker and looked busy with homework so that maybe people would ignore me. I was super thankful when I graduated high school because that meant that I would never have to see these people again and I would finally be surrounded by people who cared about music just as much as I did.

And now, I feel like I have come full circle. My life is no where near what it was in grade 12, but I feel kind of similar depression-type feelings now that I haven’t felt since grade 12. I feel like for whatever reason, people don’t like me anymore and the friends that I have are starting to push away from me for whatever reason there may be. It’s not quite the immaturity level of these girls in high school, but it’s still a bit puzzling. I’m starting to think that maybe there is something about me that is causing this to happen now in 3 different schools and 2 different cities. When my friend didn’t come to my noon-hour recitals, was it because I rubbed her the wrong way somehow? Did me not making it to the final round of the competition embarrass or upset her? I don’t even know. Like I said, I am pretty sure I haven’t said anything that would offend or upset people and the only reason I can think of that caused people to steer away from me is that I haven’t been playing as well this year and I’ve been a bit more depressed.

It’s unfortunate, but it’s how the world works. People flock around those who do well, and stay away from depressed and bitter people.

Supporting Your Peers Through Good Times and Bad

I’ve been checking the stats on this blog (more or less out of curiosity). I have never intended to have tons of readers or have this blog discovered by many people just given the nature of it. This blog (well, let’s be real, diary) has actually helped me immensely by putting my feelings and thoughts into words, even if it’s the most irrational, negative, self-deprecating thing you’ve ever read. The more people who read it, the more likely my identity is going to be revealed. I would feel bad if any of the people I said slightly negative things found this blog and called me out on it, even if violin kid found it I would feel bad! Thankfully, I can see the countries of the viewers to my blog and there are very few views from Canada (where I’m from) so the odds that anyone even remotely could have an idea of who I am is very slim and I want to keep it that way.

However, I’ve also noticed that the readers that I have on this blog have also dwindled. Not like I had tons before, but I would get the odd comment or like from people who genuinely enjoyed the content on this blog. One reason is that I don’t post regularly. I used to post every Friday on a variety of topics, and it wouldn’t be just about me. I would talk about topics that there could be a variety of opinions and thoughts on, like a “normal” blog. People like to read blogs that post often and regularly on a predictable schedule. People also like to read grammatically correct and coherent posts. I seldom proofread my entries. For not proofreading, I would like to think that I write very goodly, but occasionally I’ll read an old entry and find errors including spelling mistakes, run-on sentences, or incoherent sentence fragments. However, the way I see it is that this blog is more of a diary for me, would you proofread and edit your diary entries?

I feel like most of my entries for the past 4 months have been negative and self-deprecating, which reflects how I feel, but no one wants to read that. I’m not always a negative, bitter person, but that’s what people have seen in the past 4 months. I can totally relate, I don’t want to be around people who are boring and depressing all the time, but at the same time, those are the people that need the support the most. My last post that was successful was “Beginning to Feel like Myself Again” with 6(!) likes because it was positive and encouraging. Yes there were some ranty bits, but I talked about how I was going to overcome my anxiety about grad school and get back in the game. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way begging for readers or trying to reach out to the random 3 people from Japan, United States, and Turkey who read my blog, but I’m just stating an observation.

I parallel this lack of interest (if there ever really was any) in this blog to my situation in real life. I feel like because November was a hard month for me, it was almost as if people didn’t want to talk to me or support me anymore. I’m not trying to be a drama queen, it legitimately feels like people are pushing away from me. Last year was a much more successful year for me and I felt like I always had a group of friends (albeit small) who genuinely cared about me and were always there for me. Of course, my family and my teacher are there for me no matter what, but the support from peers is just as important. I feel like this year because I had a rough start and a rough November, that people don’t want to be around me or go support me at my concerts. It may seem like I’m being over sensitive about little things, but the little things add up.

For example, I wrote two entries about the Concerto Competition. I know you’re sick of me harping on that (even if this is the first time you’ve read this blog), but I’m only briefly mentioning it. My pianist friend who accompanied me was helping me prepare and getting me pumped up for the performance, as any good friend should. The performance generally went well and there were a few rather noticeable wrong notes, but that’s just life as a performer. When I inevitably wasn’t selected to move on to the final round, it seemed as if my friend was less enthusiastic about my playing. We rehearsed for another piece later that week and she didn’t have as many positive things to say about my piece (nothing negative) but she wasn’t as excited to work on it. After the concerto competition final round, she wouldn’t stop bragging about the guitarist she played for and how well he played (despite not being selected as a winner) and thought maybe he should have won. Last year at the concerto competition after the final (she had won that year), she told me that she would have loved to see me play in the final round and share the winning title with her and that was genuine, she didn’t just say that because she felt she had to. This year, she didn’t even acknowledge that I’d played in the preliminary round and never brings it up. All she talks about is the guitar guy who made it to the final. I don’t like it when people say “You should have won”, but I appreciate the thought behind it. What, am I not good enough to play with her now? Do I really spoil her “fragile” reputation that much?

After the concerto competition, I’d signed up to play in some noon hour recitals. One for some unaccompanied Bach and the other two were with chamber groups. Normally, the issue with noon hour recitals is random people show up (and I’m guilty of it too) because they have to attend so many recitals to get a credit. But I like to go to recitals that my friends are involved in even if I’ve fulfilled all my credits because I believe it’s important to support my peers. I definitely told her about these recitals. I wasn’t going to be super anal about it and be like “You should go”, but I thought since we were friends that was implied. I’ve always gone to every noon hour recital she’s done and if there was a reason that I couldn’t, I told her and said I would have loved to be there. To my knowledge, she did not go to any of these recitals. In fact, none of my friends or supporters were at these recitals that I knew of. Of course, random people who were at the recital said “good job” as I passed them in the hallway, but they were probably just there to get a credit and happened to see me and thought it would be polite to say “good job”, but otherwise would have no reason to talk to me. I hate how music school is basically a “glorified” high school sometimes, people just never really grow up.

My friend never apologized or told me why she wasn’t at any of these recitals. There were 3 of them. I thought for sure she’d come to the third one because I did a piece with a singer and she does a lot of vocal accompaniment, but no. Although I never made it clear that I wanted her there, it was implied. I always went to her recitals whether she specifically invited me or not. And yes, she is the type of person who would normally apologize about missing a recital or concert that I was in. She missed the orchestra concert in October and texted me later that night apologizing that her rehearsal ran late, there wasn’t enough time to bus there, and she was feeling a bit sick and tired anyway. I wasn’t mad about that, sh*t happens. But I was a bit offended that I was involved in three recitals in a short period of time that she knew about and did not make effort to attend at least one. She may not realize that I was offended by this, but it’s too awkward to bring up. She’s playing for my final recital and until then, I don’t want to cause any fights or disagreement between us because I can’t take any chances on my recital potentially being sabotaged. She’s normally pretty reasonable, if I mentioned it, she probably would apologize but then it’s not a sincere apology because she would only apologize because I basically told her to.

It’s little things like that which add up and bother me. Maybe she’s pulling away from me because she senses that I’m not playing as well as I did last year and I’m a bit more depressed,  but that’s no excuse. Honestly, I feel like I could use more support than ever and I’m getting less than I ever did. True friends stick around in the good times and the bad. She’s been going through some tough times too and I’ve been there for her, but I feel like that’s not being reciprocated back to me. Like I said, I don’t want to axe her as a friend until after my recital (if I even need to go that route), but I don’t like the way she has been acting around me lately, and it all started because of the Concerto Competition. If I never played in the competition, I wonder if she would be supporting me and attending my recitals. She wouldn’t have seen how “bad” and “hopeless” I am and she wouldn’t be so embarrassed to be associated with me, well at least that’s the impression she is giving. It’s a general pattern in the music faculty, and just life in general. People tend to flock around people who are doing well and steer away from people who are depressed and bitter all the time.

Whether this blog ever gets more views or not, just know, to the three people who might read this, that it is important to support your friends through good times and bad. I know I may seem like I’ve pushed away people too, but now I feel like after having some space, I am ready to let people back in and I feel like they’re just done with me. I would say I’m glad I’m moving away and going to grad school next year, but moving to a new city is only a temporary solution to your problems. I found that out the hard way when I went away to do my undergrad. My first year was amazing and blissful and second year was a harsh blow of reality. Maybe that’s why people don’t care about me. I’m moving away anyway so whatever, they don’t have to deal with me for much longer.

Anyway, that’s all for today. I’m on winter break right now. I’ve been at home for about a week and I still have about another 2 weeks to relax at home. It’s pretty sweet. Having that physical distance away from school and the people in question has helped me a bit. Perhaps January will be a fresh start for everyone and all this nonsense will be totally irrelevant and not even worth confronting people about.

Letter to my first year self

Dear first year viola major,

I’m glad things went really well for you this year! You’ve met so many great friends and improved so much as a musician. You’re so much happier with your life right now in general. I told you it would be so much better when you didn’t have to see people you don’t like every single day. It almost feels like you have the perfect life right now; supportive friends, family, teachers, and you’re doing what you love. 

Don’t get too comfortable. Your first year of university is always deceptively easy, for you anyway. Yes, there are some people who can’t handle it, but it is designed so most people will make it through while still weeding out those who can’t.  Second year is going to throw some curveballs at you that you may not be prepared to deal with, but I know you are a strong person and that you will make it through even when it feels like you want to drop out.  As I like to say, second year is the year that kills. If you make it through second year, you’re set for the rest of your degree. 

First of all, you’re going to meet this violinist who thinks he’s the greatest thing on the planet since sliced bread. He is very good for his age, his technique is virtually flawless and he’s accomplished more before he started in university than some people do in their whole degree. You’re going to feel very threatened by him. Everyone in the music faculty is going to be in awe of him and worship him like he’s some kind of God. You’re going to feel abandoned, like you’re “so last year”. Remember that people still care about you and support you just as much as they did before. Just because this kid exists doesn’t mean that you all of a sudden suck. 

This violin kid in question is going to win lots of the competitions around the school and community. You’re going to feel a bit of resentment as you didn’t even enter these competitions in first year and here he is, winning them with ease. If there is nothing else you get out of this, don’t let him live in your head rent free. He is not any more inherently powerful or better than you as a human being and you can waste a lot of time and energy by obsessing over every little thing he does. It seems like the whole used faculty is in love with him and enthralled by what he’s doing. Why can’t people be equally enthralled by what you do, you ask. Well, consider this, Do you want hundreds of people who barely know you fascinated by what you do? Or, do you prefer the small group of people who you know very well that are genuinely supportive of you whether you win a competition or not? I think you know the answer. 

The important thing to remember about this violin kid is that he lacks a lot of intrinsic motivation. I bet any money that if one day this kid stopped winning every competition and people stopped liking his Facebook posts, he’d just quit. You are a much stronger person as you keep practicing every day regardless of the outcome. One day, your hard work will pay off and this violin kid will get put in his place once and for all. I know it’s frustrating to see people like this, but don’t let them get to you. You’re going to feel like you want to drop out, on account of this kid. That will be the most irrational thought you will have all year. You’re not in music school to impress him or try to be better than him. You’re in music school because you are passionate about music and you want to pursue a career in music.  Never lose sight of that. 

This kid is going to get into the same music program as you. That’s going to be initially a frustrating as you worked really hard for many years to be accepted into that program, and now you have to share it with violin kid, of all people. It still may seem like people care about him more than you, but don’t let that get to you. You know you worked really hard to be accepted and tried many years. It may seem unfair that he gets in on his first try, but I bet he wouldn’t have been as persistent as you if he didn’t get accepted the first time. 

Congrats on a good first year! Second year will be very challenging, but never give up. I know you can do it! 

Sincerely,

Your 2015 self

Reflections on my life post-high school 

Now that it’s June, something that’s popular topic of discussion right now is high school graduations, proms, and the like. It makes me think back to my high school graduation which was three years ago now. I know that’s not long ago, but it’s crazy to look back and think about how much I’ve matured and changed in such a short time. I’ve moved away to a new city, started university, met amazing friends, flourished as a violist/musician, learned a lot about myself, and so much more.

It’s also interesting to note that the graduating class of 2015 are the grade nines when I was in grade twelve. This means that starting in September, there will be no more students at my old high school that I was in school with at the same time; it’ll be a completely new student body. It’s crazy because when you’re in high school, you always think of the grade nines (or freshmen if you prefer) as little kids, no matter what grade you’re in. Even when I was in grade 10 I’d call the grade 9s little kids. Now, all the “little kids” from when I was in grade 12 are graduating high school. They’re going to university, college, work, take a year off, and otherwise beginning their adult life. It’s always crazy to see people younger than you reach certain milestones in their life as you anticipated that age or event in your life so much when you were younger and then you finally make it there.

One interesting thing that I’ve become aware of and was taken a bit aback by is how awkward it is to come home for the summer. This was never an issue in first year. When I came home for the summer, people were excited to see me again and were curious about how school was going. I even visited some of the teachers at my old high school and students from younger grades that I knew through music said hi to me. It was almost like I’d never left. I wasn’t greeted as warmly when I came home after second year, but it was still nice. Right now, being home for the summer in third year has been quite awkward. Of course, I have great chats with my old teachers and other adults, but I’ve lost the connection to people my age. It’s almost to the extent where I don’t feel welcome here anymore, which is both freeing and a bit sad.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned several times in previous entries, I never really had a lot of close friends my age. I had some people that I talked to and connected to just because they were there. Once we didn’t have to see each other every day anymore, we drifted apart. Of course, after first year it wasn’t too awkward to talk to them as I’d only been away for a year. After two or three years, it’s just too awkward. The only foundation of our friendship was the fact that we were in the same class or played in the same music group and had to see each other all the time. I strongly believe that people come in and out of your life for a reason and if these people were not meant to be my BFF’s, then there’s no need to force it to happen. I know for a fact that when I go on to do my master’s, there will be some people that I will definitely keep in touch with who I met during my undergrad, and others that I will not.

Another interesting thing I’d like to address is how I keep in touch and connect with the adults that were significant to me when I was in high school. While I was in high school, and even middle school, I always wondered why kids my age didn’t want to talk to me. I was nothing but respectful and nice to people, what had I done? After being away for three years, I finally have an answer. When I was younger, I was always mature for my age. I don’t mean that to say that I’m better than other people, but what I mean is that I always thought about things from a more adult perspective from a younger age. I tended to have thoughts and interests that were well beyond my years. I used “big words” all the time and people thought it was weird, of course now no one would care. More often than not, I found it easier to talk to adults. I was that kid in elementary school who talked to the teacher doing playground supervision if there were no other kids who wanted to play with me. As a general rule, I preferred to have friends who were 2 or 3 years older than me. I found it difficult to be friends with people more than 2 years younger than me. Of course now, my age has caught up to my maturity level and I blend in with people my age. I still have a preference for friends who are a few years older than me, but I now also have friends who are a year or two younger and I don’t feel like I’m talking to a little kid. I’ve also met several people in university who were just like me in high school; mature for their age and left out.

I have really made a home in my new city and found where I belong. It’s sad that I don’t feel welcome when I come home anymore, but it’s the reality. It’s exciting that I’ve found new people in my life that I connect with better than anyone in my hometown and I can only hope that it continues that way. I’m almost considering not coming home next summer. Usually I come home for about a month or two when I’m in between finals and a music program or summer job. Next summer, I almost want to just get an apartment for the summer and live somewhere else. I’m not sure what my plans are and if that would be practical, but it is something I will do eventually. I do feel bad about thinking about that too as I love my family and I know they’d be upset if I didn’t come home for the summer.

Regardless, I’m heading to a music program soon, so I’m beyond excited to see my friends and meet more amazing people. All of this will feel irrelevant quite soon.

Letter to my high school self

Dear prospective music student,

It’s been a tough four years; it’s definitely not easy to pursue music at a high level while enrolled in a public high school. You did a great job, even when it was tough. You made a lot of sacrifices, especially in your social life but it will all be worth it in the long run. I know it was hard to see all the kids in your class have friends to talk to and hang out with everyday. I know it was hard to look on Facebook and see all your classmates doing fun and simple things like going out for supper, going on a weekend road trip, or just simply grabbing coffee after school. I know you wanted and tried to be a part of that but got rejected several times. You were always that “weird music kid”. 

In particular there was that one group of girls you always sat beside at lunch on those rare days you didn’t have  rehearsal and couldn’t go home for lunch. You wasted so much energy trying to fit in with them. They had no idea the amount of commitment and passion you have for your music. They would never understand the amount of hours you put in to pursue music at the university level. The moment they called music “stupid” to your face is when you should have just walked away and stopped speaking to them. I know the reason you passively sat by those girls is so that judgy passers-by wouldn’t see you sitting alone and call you a loner. Honestly, little things like sitting alone in the hallway seem like a bit deal to you now, but in university no one cares or notices if you eat lunch alone. 

I know you feel a small sense of regret that you didn’t get the full high school experience. You never got to go to a party or really try alcohol outside of the odd glass of wine. You only went to school events like dances in grade 9 and 10. Frankly, with the schedule you had, there was no way you would have had the time! You were at school everyday at 8:30am, crammed in as much homework during your spare and lunch hour, probably had a rehearsal after school, went home to grab supper, possibly off to another rehearsal, and then finally home at 10:00pm. By the time the weekend came around, you needed that precious time to sleep in and catch up on all the homework you didn’t have time for during the week, and even then, you were still juggling rehearsals and concerts. Somehow you magically fit in 1-2 hours of practice when you had the chance. It wasn’t as much as you would have liked, but given the schedule you had I’m surprised you practiced at all. 

You will definitely make up for all of this in university. Yes, you will be very busy with classes, lessons, and rehearsals, but it’ll be a much more manageable schedule as it will be all music related commitments. Any student that goes through public school while trying to pursue a musical instrument at a high level to get into a university program honestly deserves some kind of award. Because of the superior time management skills you cultivated in high school, you will find time to not only get all your homework done and practice, but you will have a bit of a social life too. You will get to experience parties, bars, university sports games, road trips, dates, and simple hangouts like coffee and lunch. Trust me, it’ll be much more fun than any high school experience you missed out on. 

Yes, I said social life. I know it seems crazy to think right now that there are people out there who want to talk to you, but university is a much more welcoming and accepting environment than high school. You will be surprised at how many people will want to talk to you and be your friend. When you live on campus in your first year, you will have tons of friends outside the music faculty. You’ll also meet a lot of international students, which is always an eye-opening experience. Despite the fact that a lot of these friends you will meet have never played a musical instrument, they will be 100% supportive of your music and think you’re the coolest person ever that you can play an instrument at such a high level. And of course, you’ll meet tons of people in the music faculty who are supportive of your pursuits. 

Graduating high school is probably one of the most liberating experiences in life. You’re finally out of the prison-like structure of the public school system and you can go out and do what you’re passionate about. You don’t have to speak to any of these people that you’ve known and hated since kindergarten. You can forget about those girls you tried so hard to fit in with and they will certainly forget you. It’s hard to have to see these people every day and talk to them simply because there’s no one else to talk to. Another awesome thing about university that you don’t get in high school is each year of university, you will make new friends. That never happens in high school, once people get their friend groups figured out in grade 9 or 10, they don’t need any more friends. Moving away to a new city after high school is honestly the best decision for you and you will benefit from it in more ways than you already see. 

Congratulations on graduating high school, it’s only going to get better from here. I’m excited for you!

Sincerely, 

Your 2015 self