Beginning to Feel Like Myself Again

I think I may be on my way to snapping out of whatever kind of weird mood I’m in. Please refer to the previous post “Fourth Year Struggles” if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Monday was not really a good day for me. I have no classes until orchestra in the evening and it’s always my intention to wake up somewhat early in the morning to practice. Even 9:00 is reasonable. That way, I don’t have to stay late and practice after orchestra like I’ve been doing the past three years and I can just go home, relax, and go to bed early. I had my alarm set for 9:00 and when it went off I just couldn’t physically drag myself out of bed. Most of the time it was because a thought or a memory would come into my mind and I’d cry about it or just not be able to stop thinking about it. By the time I’d actually fall asleep it might be 3 or 4am. That wasn’t the first time I tried to wake up at 9:00am on a weekday morning where I had no morning classes, but of course every morning I would hope for something different. I went back to sleep again and woke up around noon some time. Obviously I have to get out of bed now. I couldn’t even bring myself to go practice in the afternoon. I pretty much went to orchestra without having played that day. I went to practice a bit after orchestra but it did not go so well.

Tuesday is a new day, right? Not really. I had class in the morning, so I dragged myself out of bed at the last possible minute to make it to class. I practiced a bit in the afternoon again with no success. My Pilates class at the gym was starting that evening, so I figured if I went to that I would start to feel better. Exercise is the best thing when you’re feeling down right? I thought I could just jump right back into my regular routine. Last year, I’d go to this cardio/strength drop in class and then go straight into Pilates and I’d always feel great after it. I was fine after the first class but as soon as I got to Pilates I was just so physically drained. I could barely make it through all the poses. I could have curled up into a ball and fallen asleep on my mat. When class was done, I got out of there as fast as I could. The fatigue I was experiencing was overwhelming, worse than the fatigue that hit me when I was out for supper with my parents that time. I also had a headache/migraine. Every time I looked at a light, or even my phone, my head would just throb. To give you an idea of how fatigued I was, the Pilates class ended at 7:10 and I was in bed by 8:00. I wasted no time getting out of there and getting home. I feel asleep almost instantly. I had to lie down immediately as an overwhelming feeling of nausea had taken over. I woke up around midnight and felt a lot better. My headache subsided so I was able to check my phone and catch up on email, messages, and Facebook. I went back to sleep, again falling asleep instantly. I woke up at 9:00am the next morning like I had been trying to do the past month with success. I guess it was kind of cheating though, going to bed at 8:00pm, it’s hard to sleep in until noon.

I attributed the extreme fatigue I experienced to the lack of sleep and the poor quality sleep I had been getting due to the quasi anxiety and depression I was experiencing as well as the worrying about everything in general. I also googled the symptoms I had (because that’s always a good idea), and I got a bunch of pages that said exercise intolerance. It makes sense. I was perhaps a bit too ambitious for my first day back to the gym. I haven’t really gone to a gym since last year as I ride my bike and exercise outdoors during the summer. It’s not that I wasn’t capable of doing a workout like that (I did that exact workout every week last year), it’s just that I should have worked up to it and not done that on my first day back to the gym after a long summer. One good thing that came out of this is that I had the best sleep ever on Tuesday night. I felt so refreshed on Wednesday and it was generally a good day. I practiced for almost 4 hours! That’s the most I’ve practiced this school year.

Thursday was another good day, I got lots of practicing done. I went to a hot yoga class that evening as I had a free drop in coupon. It was super intense but it felt really good. I’ve done hot yoga before, but it wasn’t the authentic hot yoga, it was, as the instructor described, “Yoga in a warm room”. I was taken aback by how intense it was and how much I sweat. I don’t sweat tons when I go to the gym, I don’t usually need to bring a towel or anything, so I only brought a small hand towel. By the end of the class, my mat was a slip n’ slide of my sweat. I couldn’t even do any of the poses in the last 15 minutes of class because my mat was too slippery and the heat was so intense. The instructor said to take breaks whenever you want so I took up on that. I felt really invigorated afterward though, I didn’t experience any exercise intolerance so that was good.

Friday is basically a day off for me (relatively speaking for music majors) so I just slept and guess what. I woke up this morning at 8:50am, without an alarm and I felt refreshed. What is this sorcery? I went on my bike to get some groceries in the morning and did some errands. I was that person and went to a drive thru ATM on my bike. In my defense there was no bike rack or space to lock up my bike. There was no one around and of course as soon as I start doing my banking a line of actual cars appears out of nowhere. Murphy’s law at its finest. I practiced in the afternoon and got some good work. This evening I thought I’d just relax and have some me time so I didn’t practice quite 4 hours today, but I’m finally starting to feel optimistic about this year. Things are looking up. I’m going to graduate and kick some grad school audition butt!

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